eye eye eye

i love my lips.

i am being positive.

i love my symmetrical feet, my

 voluptuous legs.

holy hell, is someone at my door?

hah, i was totally thinking that, as i wrote it!

anywho. no one reads this, just me.
fuck you. non existing audience and self ( lowly reader, you suck balls!)

ummm.
ok
let's get back on track.
i am a field merchandiser.
so i work ON THE FIELD.
i'm in week 3 of a project in chowchilla, ca.
and im lonely as hell.

all ive done this project is drink myself to sleep and smoke out until im hungry

jeez. what is wrong with me?

you know that i'm no good

bad thoughts run thru my head,  all the time. thoughts about getting high, lying, stealing, hurting..

i win the battle everyday.
i'm happy i do.

but it is damn tempting.

being on the road is hard but terribly easy for my demons.

Hi

Today i feel the prettiest i 've felt in, forever. It feels nice.

Thankful for

Cute puppies. A stronger relationship with mister. Health. And a never-ending list of opportunities and treasures life surprises me with.

i'm back

the view from my window seat. somewhere over the northwest.

washington was a strange mix of draining disappointments and eye-opening excitement.

I'm afraid of what being back home will do to my new positive attitude.

happiness

what makes me happy vs what WOULD make me happy

happy now
-my dog waiting for me at the door
-raul doing unexpected nice things for me
-little sister wanting to do silly crafts and games
-feeling fulfilled after giving great customer service at work
-seeing a journal page complete
-a stocked home bar
-delicious food

happy later?
-legitimate invitations to events (not just forceful generic ones)
-feeling knowledgeable, witty and well versed
-having a female friend with whom to share superficial thoughts as well as fears and dreams
-a documented proof of education or something
-a bar or other location where i am comfortable in knowing i will see a familiar face and feel at ease.
-motivation to complete projects
-journals full of songwritting, and life documenting
-a clear mind. free of money worries, gult and insecurity.

my mind is a sad fucked up place.
i have no idea where to start.
maybe ONE friend would be nice.

but how do i find her?